Cosmogony

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 03:19:35 GMT

Wasn't it just 12 months ago
When you and I were so unsure
A blushing gaze and a wavering glace
When we both wanted more

Now I look at memories past
These pictures my only prayer
Because even though I can look at you
It's not the same boy standing there

What happened to my sweet, loving boy
The one who was always shy
What happened to the days we'd sleep away
And the nights we used to cry
There used to be a time when my voice
Was the only thing you needed to hear
And now my never-healing broken heart
Is the only thing I have left to fear

Its hard to imagine you playing any field
Outside of a video game
And when I see you ogling girls
Its just proves your not the same

And yet I still cling to this hope
That he's somewhere still inside
The boy that I fell in love with
The one who would never hide...

What happened to my sweet, loving boy
The one who was always shy
What happened to the days we'd sleep away
And the nights we used to cry
There used to be a time when my voice
Was the only thing you needed to hear
And now my never-healing broken heart
Is the only thing I have left to fear

Let the earth rotate,
let the sun set,
But the boy you used to be
Is one I'll never forget
He's the one who held me close
The one who kissed me true
The boy I want the most,
Well that boy just isn't you..

What happened to my sweet, loving boy
The one who was always shy
What happened to the days we'd sleep away
And the nights we used to cry
There used to be a time when my voice
Was the only thing you needed to hear
And now my never-healing broken heart
Is the only thing I have left to fear
(The only thing left to fear...)

~~~

Don't take this to heart, just felt like writing it.

A Song I Wrote

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 04:13:58 GMT

I'm in a lot of pain right now, so I just decided to write my pain away. At first I thought the song sounded sweet. Well....After I read over it, it Sounds kinda stalkerish, but its not suppose to be. Feedback would be appreciated.

I don't wanna get in the way
In fact, its good to see you smile
But I can't seem to get over you
I know its gonna take me a while

I remember when you held me
Whenever I'd cry
And now that you're gone
I don't think my heart can survive

I'm sorry I can't let go
But baby you just gotta know
No matter I do
I will always be there for you
(Yeah I'm gonna be there for you.)

I still don't know what I did
That turned you bitter and cold
That changed your love from me
To something boring and old

Even though I still shed tears
For the best thing I ever had
I know I need to move on
Especially to keep you glad

I'm sorry I can't let go
But baby you just gotta know
No matter what I do
I will always be there for you
(Yeah I'm gonna be there for you.)

And if 30 years from now
You're still not mine
Don't worry bout me baby
I'll be just fine
My heart will get broken
And it'll happen to you too
But even through all that
You'll still have me
And I pray I'll still have you

I'm sorry I can't let go
But baby you just gotta know
No matter I do
I'm will always be there for you
(Yeah I'm gonna be there for you.)

Yeah even though you've hurt me so
Baby I gotta let you know
No matter what we do
I will always be there for you...
Oh babe...
I will always be there for you

I guess this is my dedication to my friendship to you, babe. I just want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter how many people come between us...I'll always be there to help you...even when you forget about me....I love you.

Sad...again

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 02:17:34 GMT

There's very little strength left in here...I figured I'd give you space....let you call me, let you IM me...but...god you seem to forget all about me...another thing you promised you would never do. I should learn about promises, and how they are almost never kept...a promise is too perfect of an idea for the human race.

And I'm too imperfect to be given a promise. I accept that...my imperfections is what makes me palatable. But my weakness...my reliance on you....is the one imperfection I wish only to have when you can look me in the eye again and tell me that you love me...

I wanted to give you confidence and pride in yourself....I guess helped a little too much...

Come back to me....my love...

So muja....so bnhela...

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 04:26:21 GMT

Several things are annoying me right now, and I can't help it:

1. I hate having to force conversation with you....I want to talk to you, I love to talk to you...but when it doesn't come naturally....it really sucks.

2. Everyone sees something wrong with what is going on except you....and maybe its because you see what we don't see. I wish I could see....and I wish I could change that.

I'm depressed...I won't lie, I'm sad, hurt, and it feels like its never going to go away...

...but I know it will....I just hope it happens soon.

Cold....very Cold...

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 15:16:00 GMT

I had such a pleasant dream last night. It just made me so happy to even imagine that another person thinks I'm gorgeous (even if it was only a dream.) Today is going to be oeverloaded with homework, and just...blah, this hasn't been much of a weekend in my opinion.

Its very Very COLD.....I don't usually mind it much, but now I definetly do because theres no one to keep warm...*dejected sighe*

God...blah...

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 01:38:04 GMT

I suppose every dog has her day...so when the hell is mine gonna come?

I slept for 12 hours last night, and I still felt exhausted. Mentally, I think I'm close to rock bottom. There's just so much shit. School. College. Volunteering. Working. Social scene. Silks. ETC.

Not to mention lit mag and the writing center, both of which are progressing nicely.

So at this point, there are only two people I know of who read this bloggie.

To the first one: Yay! Veggie for 3 days! Booya!

To the second one: Here's whats been in my mind. Enjoy

Art history now.

Ouy Veh

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 20:34:40 GMT

Now it seems like he's just flat out being mean to me. I mean hell, do I really deserve to be treated so poorly? Sometimes its like he doesn't even want to be around me...it really hurts...a lot..All I want is for him to love me again...

Is that so much to ask?

When its hard to let go...

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 04:44:05 GMT

I hate it.

I hate how he's moving on without me. I hate how he can bear to live each day without having a kiss from me. I hate how I can't seem to stop thinking about him...I want him back...badly. I've always hated this need, this immense sadness and gaping depression that leaves a hole bigger than my ass in my heart.

What happened to the "I will always love you"'s and the "I want to be with you forever"'s. I miss those a lot. I miss knowing someone is there for me. I miss knowing that if I ever need a shoulder to cry on, a body to hug, even a set of lips to kiss...I miss knowing that I once had that.

I don't doubt I'll eventually find someone else. I probably will. But like Mrs. Spare finally drilled into my head after 3 years, I need to live in the present. And the present used to include Dave...lots of him.

Maybe I'm actually okay with all of this...maybe its not specifically the fact that he's gone, but the fact that his absence creates change in my world, and I absolutely despise changes of any kind. Its weird. I'm weird. At this point, all I'm doing is working on accepting the fact that we won't always be together...I haven't even started contemplating the idea that he is already not mine...even though its been like so for 3 weeks.

My only shot at the world is this: either fat needs to come back in style, or I need to drop 100lbs just to get someone to even consider me. Its a sad fact that people judge on appearances. But I'm not gonna lie. I do it too. And I don't doubt for a second that my weight has caused part of the problem for Dave. It gets annoying to hear me bitch so much.

So it comes down to this: I love him, I want him back, but Im gonna lose him to some girl with a pretty voice and a love for music and martial arts that rivals his own.

I got one down....and 1 out of 3 ain't bad, right?

Boys Suck

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 03:42:34 GMT

Okay, I love this LJ because I can actually keep it a little more private than I can my Myspace. Okay, my biggest thing right now is my situation with Dave.

In case you haven't heard, Dave and I have broken up officially for about 2 weeks now, and its been the worst 2 weeks of my life, only synonomous to when Mark went back into rehab. Yeah, its that bad. No, I'm not exaggerating. Imagine the one person who makes you smile, who makes your world perfect, suddenly realizing that you are hindering his advancement through the realm of life and dating. It's not at all the greatest feeling. In fact, it down right sucks.

And what sucks even more is that the more time that goes by, the less he seems to need me and the more I seem to need him...I honestly don't see what happened. I guess I could blame Sierra's voice when she sang Defying Gravity....thats what started all this in the first place. I definetly know how the Phantom felt now...poor guy.

The Phantom and I do seem to have a lot in common: We are both ugly outcasts from society, we both found someone who initially latched onto us for survival...and that person realizes eventually that he or she doesn't need the person who made them into what they are...and both of our lives are destroyed because of that.

God, my future looks rather good, doesn't it?

Ooh La La!

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 03:05:12 GMT

Ooh La La!

4-day weekend coming up, so I couldn't be happier. Yes, I made a new one, this is it, and I probably will neglect it horribly. Oh well.

The topic of the moment is homecoming. Whether to go, or not to go, that is the question. Whether to tourture thyself with dress after dress, hair and makeup, or comfort one's grief on the couch with a bottle of wine and a few good movies? Ahhh, high school.

Me, I don't know where I stand. Money wise, can't afford homecoming. Emotionally, I definetly can't afford homecoming...hah. Socially...well, who gives a rat's bottom about that, right.

Broken hangers make very bad foot scratchers.

So yeah, I guess if I can find a decent dress for like 3 bucks, I may consider going...the only secure way I'll go is if someone asks me or I find someone I want to take. I had some ass in Dr. J's english class jokingly ask me to accompany him to the dance. I told him off, to say the least.

10:59...thats my bed time. haha. Right.

So the other day, I had a bunch of random black kids scream out of their bus at me. "Get off the car, fatty! Look at her fat ass." The only reason that I didn't burst out in tears was because 1. I actually HAVE a car, and 2. My GPA isn't .55, so that made me feel better. I never quite realized how randomly cruel people can be. Its like yelling to a cripple that you've just knocked over on the street, "Move it, gimpy!" Jeeze, our school needs to gain a bit of maturity.

I have the strangest desire to start a movement called La Resistance...oh South Park, you've taught me well.

<3 S

Sighe

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 17:37:42 GMT

Ever want something so bad that you'd do anything to have it, but then once you had it, you realizd how unhappy you are because it didn't come naturally?

Hahah, very confusing, yes?

I feel like I'm trapping him...I feel like he really doesn't want to be with me...and I got him back from all the little shit at the beginning of the year...but now...I feel bad...because I don't feel its what he wants...and I know he won't tell me, because he doesn't want to hurt me...

Babe, I don't think you know this lil blog exists...but, if you read this, don't be afraid of hurting me...do what makes you happy, because that will make me happiest...

I love you with all my heart...

Responsibility

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 04:16:53 GMT

So its actually kind of funny, I'm forcing myself to have responsibility this year, and I'm getting kind of nervous because I feel like there are things I should be doing, but I'm not. Like for Lit Mag...i feel like there is something I should do to get ready for it...but what is the question, cus I have NO clue exactly what it is we are going for this year. Mmhm...yay...cluelessness.

I really am missing summer college...First day of band camp made me realize how much I really don't like the high school enviroment. I guess I just need to remember that its only for...9 months...ugh...yay!

And yay...15 days to finish my summer work...notes on 5 chapters, reading 3.5 books, and...calc..nuff said. That about covers it! Yay!

3am

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 07:10:28 GMT

Great stream of consiousness tonight folks...

Summer College...calculus...summer work...happy harry's...joe corbi...David...sleep...family guy...rent...

Hahah, love my randomness...

"I'm just a sweet transvestite
From transexual Transylvania!"

Home....its a scary thing....

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 00:03:48 GMT

I miss all of my girls from SC already....its not fair that we had to leave...I would have gladly pay to stay longer...I don't even want to go back to high school now.

Its gonna blow balls.

If anyone wants to buy some JOE CORBIS PIZZA, I'm the one to buy it from ^_^....Im me at FIRI FYXE....pwease....

World Religions scares me...

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 20:18:17 GMT

Oh man oh man oh man!!! Noooo! World religions is horrible! hehe....Im really scared that I won't pass this exam...I barely passed the other one!!! I just have to calm down and study...I can do this...I think I can I think I can...I'm scared...

2 Days of SC left...oh man...

Tired as hell...and getting nostalgic already

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 19:57:20 GMT

Summer college is almost over...*sighe*...so I decided to start a livejournal since it seems to be the popular thing around here these days...yay!

Finals are in two days, and I am scared crapless...and despite all the drama, I think everything is settling down.

I love all my 2nd floor girls!!!